Mindfulness and meditation have been important parts of my life for years. And if I am honest, I go through phases.
There are stretches where everything clicks and I sit consistently, and stretches where it is less so. I am in one of those less-so periods right now, which is worth saying out loud given how central stress and attention are to how we work.
I have said this in past letters and I will keep saying it. I write these reflections because they may help you, but also because they help me. I am on the path too, not above it.
What do you actually notice when you meditate for 45 minutes?
Mostly how often the mind leaves. I sat this week for 45 minutes and watched, dozens of times over, my attention get placed somewhere that was not here. That is the quietly remarkable thing about mindfulness. You get to see how your mind actually works.
Ideally with self-compassion and acceptance, and honestly, that is the only way it works at all.
I spent years fighting my mind, trying to change it, and the fighting just became one more thing clouding my view. One more layer between me and my own experience.
But when I stopped fighting and just watched, here is what I saw. Even in the simplest moments, getting up from the cushion, the mind was already reaching. Achieve that. Do that. Plan that. How can I use this time optimally?
None of that is bad. But sitting there, I saw it for what it also is. So many different ways to be not here. Not now. Not in this moment.
Why does it feel like I am either being productive or wasting time?
Because the mind offers a false pair. Either I am using my time, optimizing and producing and improving, or I am squandering it and falling behind. It is a trap, because both sides keep your attention on a ledger instead of on your life.
The accounting never stops, and the moment passes unattended either way.
You do not have to resolve the argument. You just have to notice that it is running.
What is the practice, then?
It is not to win the argument or to change the mind or fight it. It is simply to see it. That is the whole of it, and it is a constant practice rather than an achievement. Here. Right now. And now. And now.
If you would like to try one small thing this week: the next time you stand up from a chair, notice the very first place your mind reaches.
Do not change it. Do not judge it. Just see it.
We only get one of these lives. One precious, fast-moving, complicated, beautiful life, and it is only ever happening now.
