I do not talk about commitment a lot, at least not at the beginning.
When someone first comes to us, we tend to start somewhere softer. Self-compassion. Small steps. Making change feel safe rather than threatening. That is deliberate, and it shapes how our coaching actually runs.
Why do you start with self-compassion instead of discipline?
Because we are fundamentally an amygdala-aware practice. The amygdala does not distinguish neatly between a lion in the grass and a new diet plan. Change can feel like danger, so we lower the alarm first. And this works. It genuinely works.
But lately I have been thinking more about the other part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, the seat of planning, intention and deliberate choice.
I have been sitting with the idea that lasting change probably requires both: calming the amygdala and strengthening the prefrontal cortex’s capacity to lead.
What does commitment actually consist of?
A chapter in The 12 Week Year breaks it into four elements, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Desire with real emotional connection. Keystone actions. An honest accounting of the costs. And practicing reliance on commitment rather than on how you feel in the moment.
Desire and emotional connection means not obligation or guilt, but a genuine pull toward something you care about. Not “I want to lose weight” but “I want to be present with my kids without my body feeling like an obstacle.”
Keystone actions are the specific, concrete behaviors that actually move the needle. Not a vague commitment to be healthier, but: I will walk twenty minutes after dinner four nights a week. Named. Specific. Doable.
The honest accounting of costs is the one that is different. It asks you to look clearly at what commitment will require, the discomfort, the inconvenience, the moments when you will not feel like it.
Not to scare you off, but to prepare you. When those moments arrive, and they always arrive, you will have already decided.
What do I do when I do not feel like it?
You rely on the decision you already made. Commitment is not a feeling. It is a structure you build in advance, so that when the feeling fails you, and it will, you have something else to hold on to.
I think about this on mornings when my alarm goes off and my trainer is waiting at 7 a.m. The pull of staying in bed, curled up with my wife, is very real. I do stay, until 6:30. She is worth it.
But at 6:30 I get up. Not because I feel like it. Because the decision was already made.
Are compassion and commitment opposites?
I do not think so. I think they are sequential. First we calm the alarm, then we build the structure. Shame and pressure and white-knuckling rarely lead anywhere lasting, but somewhere along the way, deliberate commitment rather than waiting for motivation becomes the thing that carries you forward.
I still believe in starting small. I still believe in self-compassion as a foundation, not an afterthought.
So the question worth sitting with: what have you committed to lately, even when it was not easy? And what helps you hold on when the feeling fades?
